Sleepy Rappers

Its Saturday early afternoon, you woke up slightly hungover from too many Tecates as the taco stand across from your place had a special. You consider yourself lucky, you haven’t felt this great in at least a month. Typically you wouldn’t wake up this early on a weekend unless it was to unleash a post-drinking shit or to dry heave until you felt better. But today is special. Today the Ohio State Buckeyes are finally playing a team that isn’t a member of the Big 10 or the local girls powder puff league. You normally reserve your YouTube viewing for videos like 2 girls 1 cup, before some nazi blocked it, but today you are searching for moronic OSU fans embarrassing themselves in a drunken stupor to psych yourself up for the Buckeyes pending humiliation. You’ve hated OSU for so long you can’t even remember why, but then you are brutally reminded by the Sleepy Rappers – and you thought residents of Ohio couldn’t embarrass them more than We Are LeBron.

I can’t even begin to describe “Buckeye Fan” and “Franklin County”. These are two of the most embarrassing, yet pointedly accurate, portraits of my former state. These videos describe the sad state of affairs in Ohio in general, and Columbus specifically, better than I ever could. MCSnorz looks like he is 35 and yet he dedicates his life to a university that he undoubtedly never attended as Jiffy Lube doesn't require a college degree.

There are various clips of the “rappers” around Columbus; however, without them posing in front of the signs you might as well think it was another shitty Ohio town such as Toledo or Akron. The indistinguishable 20 story buildings in the background aren’t exactly iconic; however, the attire of Wal-Mart Wrangler jeans, Spaulding gym shoes, and OSU jersey, as well as Snorz's red Pontiac, screams Columbus.

Honestly what were these assholes thinking? When MCSnorz isn’t making horrendous fucking videos he is most likely fondling little boys while jerking off thinking of TBDBITL – blowing his load when the “i” gets dotted. White trash OSU fans, another reason Ohio fucking sucks.

We Are LeBron

You’ve spent all year cautiously telling your buddies that this might be the year that one of your hometown sports teams finally wins something. Originally being from Ohio usually opens yourself up to endless jokes about being simpleminded, how shitty the state is compared to your new locale, and how you have sex with your sister. That all will end when LeBron and the Cavs win it all and everyone in the country stops saying that Ohio is the armpit of America. You had modest hopes. Everyone else was waiting for Ohio to morph into a fabulous land of milk and honey where the beer flows like wine and supersizing your #1 won’t cost extra, all thanks to LeBron. But as usual a Cleveland sports team blew it. You’ve haven’t seen everyone from your home state so upset since the last couple failures so epic that they have names: the drive, the fumble, the shot, the “Larry the Cable Guy show got canceled”, etc. That son’bitch LeBron couldn’t git er done, is what they said.

Back in the land of normalcy your life went on. However, only three days after the putrid performance by the Cavs, you were subjected to something more disturbing than an all-you-can-eat buffet aka feed trough in southern Ohio: the We Are LeBron video. The first time you watched it you felt uneasy and a little embarrassed, like watching a retard in a school talent show. You should’ve have been warned by the “Cleveland’s finest” caption at the beginning of the video. But you kept watching. Big Chuck, Tim Misny “intimidating TV lawyer”, Otto Orf. How much worse could it get?

Ohio has long been a national laughing stock. Cleveland because its river caught fire three times and is a redheaded poster step-child of modern urban plight and Ohio because, well, its Ohio. “The river caught fire like 30 years ago idiot, its way better now.” Is it? No. “If you hate it so much here then leave.” I did.

I never really thought Ohio could embarrass itself more than allowing a body of water to catch fire, having residents that caged their retard kids, worshipping 18 year old kids that play college football, and whose selling point is “at least we are not Detroit”, but the We Are LeBron video proved me terribly wrong. Watch the video with caution.

Speed Traps

This weekend is going to fucking suck. You’re hungover as shit from getting wasted before and during the redeye flight back and now the fat bitch at Hertz is trying to give you a Grand Am. Can’t she tell from your lack of OSU apparel, non-Midwestern physique aka not fat, and normal haircut that you don’t live in Ohio anymore? As you maneuver through the waddling herd all you can think about is how mad you are that your asshole friend decided to get married. Just because you’ve known the guy for 10 years doesn’t mean you should be forced to spend another weekend in Ohio. You get to the parking lot and find the Impala that you were “upgraded” into and notice it has New Jersey plates and think “awesome, now the hilljack Ohio cops will have even more of a reason to pull me over.” You leave the airport passing vacant factory after vacant factory trying as hard as you can to drive 55mph, an impossible fucking feat. As you’re stuck behind a 1985 Dodge Ram with a snow plow (its July) you start to get annoyed that every radio station plays Journey. As you flip through the preset stations you’ve finally had it with the inbred hick in front of you and pass him. Then you see it. Flashing lights in your rearview. You haven’t been in Ohio for more than 30 minutes and you’re already getting pulled over. One of the many reasons why Ohio sucks: Speed Traps.

You honestly can’t drive for more than 10 minutes on any road in any direction without seeing someone pulled over. This goes for the cities, not the farmland inhabited by cows and their farm animals. Cleveland, Cincinnati, Youngstown, Toledo, Dayton, and Columbus are some of the most dangerous cities in the United States and what do the cops do? Pull people over for speeding. You can’t even go that far over the speed limit in Ohio because the passing lanes are always clogged with 1990 Cutless Supremes or mid-80s pickup trucks going under the fucking speed limit.

As you pull away from the cop you still can’t believe you got a ticket for going 60mph. The worst part about it, the cop didn’t even get you on radar – he thought you were speeding. So to all of you Ohioans that love enforcing rules and think speeders get what they deserve: go fuck yourselves, your state sucks.