Thursday, June 3, 2010

Speed Traps

This weekend is going to fucking suck. You’re hungover as shit from getting wasted before and during the redeye flight back and now the fat bitch at Hertz is trying to give you a Grand Am. Can’t she tell from your lack of OSU apparel, non-Midwestern physique aka not fat, and normal haircut that you don’t live in Ohio anymore? As you maneuver through the waddling herd all you can think about is how mad you are that your asshole friend decided to get married. Just because you’ve known the guy for 10 years doesn’t mean you should be forced to spend another weekend in Ohio. You get to the parking lot and find the Impala that you were “upgraded” into and notice it has New Jersey plates and think “awesome, now the hilljack Ohio cops will have even more of a reason to pull me over.” You leave the airport passing vacant factory after vacant factory trying as hard as you can to drive 55mph, an impossible fucking feat. As you’re stuck behind a 1985 Dodge Ram with a snow plow (its July) you start to get annoyed that every radio station plays Journey. As you flip through the preset stations you’ve finally had it with the inbred hick in front of you and pass him. Then you see it. Flashing lights in your rearview. You haven’t been in Ohio for more than 30 minutes and you’re already getting pulled over. One of the many reasons why Ohio sucks: Speed Traps.

You honestly can’t drive for more than 10 minutes on any road in any direction without seeing someone pulled over. This goes for the cities, not the farmland inhabited by cows and their farm animals. Cleveland, Cincinnati, Youngstown, Toledo, Dayton, and Columbus are some of the most dangerous cities in the United States and what do the cops do? Pull people over for speeding. You can’t even go that far over the speed limit in Ohio because the passing lanes are always clogged with 1990 Cutless Supremes or mid-80s pickup trucks going under the fucking speed limit.

As you pull away from the cop you still can’t believe you got a ticket for going 60mph. The worst part about it, the cop didn’t even get you on radar – he thought you were speeding. So to all of you Ohioans that love enforcing rules and think speeders get what they deserve: go fuck yourselves, your state sucks.

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20 comments:

  1. AnonymousJune 3, 2010 at 2:44 PM

    So true, Ohio blows

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  2. AnonymousJune 3, 2010 at 3:29 PM

    hey, don't you be talking smack about Journey.

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  3. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:18 PM

    I have lived in Ohio for 25 years and have always gone at least 15mph over the speed limit and have never gotten a ticket - at least if you do get a ticket it isn't going to be an expensive one like North Carolina or Georgia where tickets are $1500. I can buy a used car for a price of a ticket down there.

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    Replies
    1. AnonymousMarch 31, 2015 at 2:02 PM

      Seat belt violation in Georgia is $15.... HAHAHA

      Delete
  4. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:19 PM

    OHIO ROCKS!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:19 PM

    OHIO ROCKS!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:19 PM

    OHIO ROCKS!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:19 PM

    OHIO ROCKS!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:19 PM

    OHIO ROCKS!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:20 PM

    OHIO ROCKS!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:20 PM

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  11. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:20 PM

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    ReplyDelete
  12. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:21 PM

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  13. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:21 PM

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    ReplyDelete
  14. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:21 PM

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    ReplyDelete
  15. nammoumjJune 3, 2010 at 6:21 PM

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    ReplyDelete
  16. AnonymousOctober 10, 2011 at 8:58 PM

    Can I just say, I totally agree with your sentiments. Here in cincinnati, a cop can pull you over and impound your car for having aftermarket wheels. Though this is mainly directed toward nigmobiles on 26s, its still enough of a law to pull you over for having 20s. On top of that, a cop, who most likely has only a high school degree, can visually pull you over dependent on your vehicle social status, race, age and how hot your gf/wife is err sorry I meant speed. Sorry, that doesn't fly and my last ticket was in a speed trap on 71 4 lane hwy with 55 psl doing 72 at 2 am on a wednesday with 2 cars behind me and 0 infront of me that were visibile by any means. We should not be working for the cops, they work for us, the intellectual citizens of the world that make the world they are trying to fit into. I can not stand the power trip officers get. Have some common sense and rationality. Yes if a guy is shooting up a mall or something, go do your job and be heros, but no. Most cops will shy away from scenarios like this as it is too life threatening, but giving away speeding tickets based on irrational biased visual estimates is a much safer way to gain income...

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    Replies
    1. AnonymousJune 7, 2012 at 12:56 PM

      No doubt Ohio totally sucks! I was driving through a small little town called Springboro Ohio and within 4 miles noticed 6 cop cars with two of them pulling people over. One was driving without his headlights on and I felt like it was a city under seige. This state totally sucks. It is Nazi Germany all over again

      Delete
  17. AnonymousSeptember 9, 2013 at 12:33 PM

    This is so funny! I just went to a wedding in Cleveland with a friend. He kept bragging about how the bride's mother was "very Attrayactive" well that's my attempt on doing the horrible Ohio Ayaacent. I meet her at the wedding and she is the typical non feminine horse faced Ohio woman. Brown teeth to boot. Her claim to being attractive was solely based on the fact that she worked out on a regular basis. In other words she wasn't fat! How's that for pathetic half assed standards. The same thing with the new hokey Horseshow Casino Ads. A slim well dressed woman steps up to a slot machine and the camera pans up to her face. Flat boned manly and horsey. These are a lifeless non charismatic half dead people who are born, go to school, get married pop out kids, retire and die, all in the same depressing place.

    ReplyDelete
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