We Are LeBron

You’ve spent all year cautiously telling your buddies that this might be the year that one of your hometown sports teams finally wins something. Originally being from Ohio usually opens yourself up to endless jokes about being simpleminded, how shitty the state is compared to your new locale, and how you have sex with your sister. That all will end when LeBron and the Cavs win it all and everyone in the country stops saying that Ohio is the armpit of America. You had modest hopes. Everyone else was waiting for Ohio to morph into a fabulous land of milk and honey where the beer flows like wine and supersizing your #1 won’t cost extra, all thanks to LeBron. But as usual a Cleveland sports team blew it. You’ve haven’t seen everyone from your home state so upset since the last couple failures so epic that they have names: the drive, the fumble, the shot, the “Larry the Cable Guy show got canceled”, etc. That son’bitch LeBron couldn’t git er done, is what they said.

Back in the land of normalcy your life went on. However, only three days after the putrid performance by the Cavs, you were subjected to something more disturbing than an all-you-can-eat buffet aka feed trough in southern Ohio: the We Are LeBron video. The first time you watched it you felt uneasy and a little embarrassed, like watching a retard in a school talent show. You should’ve have been warned by the “Cleveland’s finest” caption at the beginning of the video. But you kept watching. Big Chuck, Tim Misny “intimidating TV lawyer”, Otto Orf. How much worse could it get?

Ohio has long been a national laughing stock. Cleveland because its river caught fire three times and is a redheaded poster step-child of modern urban plight and Ohio because, well, its Ohio. “The river caught fire like 30 years ago idiot, its way better now.” Is it? No. “If you hate it so much here then leave.” I did.

I never really thought Ohio could embarrass itself more than allowing a body of water to catch fire, having residents that caged their retard kids, worshipping 18 year old kids that play college football, and whose selling point is “at least we are not Detroit”, but the We Are LeBron video proved me terribly wrong. Watch the video with caution.